Lack of Vitamin D?

Happiness is a strange thing. It can seem so hard to achieve, yet so easy to obtain. But apparently it takes a certain mind set to find happiness in life. Like the chirping of birds can make people smile and enjoy the day, or a cup of nicely brewed coffee, or something even simpler as opening your eyes. I used to be that way. I would wake up in the morning and smile. I would see the sun and be happy. I would drink my coffee happily, and now with a baby, a gorgeous baby, you would think that my happiness would multiply. And in a way it has. I love being a mother to Basti, playing with him, teaching him, being with him. But there is a certain gloominess that hovers around. Maybe its the fact that we are stagnant. We have been in the same condition for months now, and yes even though there is a light that has and is still flasshing brightly in our eyes. I hate to say this, but I have lost that edgy positivity of " of course things are going to get better!" It is strange to see how certain living conditions can change a person, and I find myself at moments being so stressed, so tense. I catch myself in the mirror and I see a straight line, a tight rope as my mouth. My eyes look stern, and I hate it. I hate that the current condition has changed me.

I am that person on the subway that looks through the window wanting to feel the happiness that the sun rays are trying to give. Maybe I'm just exaggerating. I know I am a sensitive person, overly- sensitive, and being thrown into a different culture where people are sterner, into a different language that seems to be an ICE that you have to catch up with in order to get on...I have felt lost.

The only thought that runs through my mind is that everything happens for a reason. I am being taught a lesson. Maybe its because I was such a spoiled person. I used to live in a country where I had a maid, a chef, a chauffeur. I went to a private school where girls would come in with bodyguards driving Mercedes, BMWs, Audi's. A completely different mindset that is now being tortured and killed off, which I don't mind at all. That was not a realistic way to live life at all. I also saw the unfortunate people who lived on the streets, children begging for money, dirty, shoeless, sleeping on the steps surrounded by trash. I appreciate things more now, like a clean kitchen, folded laundry, a delicious meal. I enjoy doing things for myself. But still, there is something between these two clashing cultures that has saddened me. Its not the, what may seem, unfriendly stares, its more the solitude. People do not just walk up to you to be your friend. To ask you how you are doing. You have to know them first.

Well... I had the urge to write. Probably this will just be a post for myself, even though its nice to think that I am read my many, maybe even felt by some. Even if those readers are imaginary, they bring me comfort. I sound pretty pathetic, sorry for that. I am not always like this. Its probably the cloudiness.....