Oh the pain

 

On Tuesday the vibrance of color, the perseption of the world, was modified. My whole existance became dull and stagnate. On Tuesday I found myself sobbing next to my son's play pen as he stopped playing and stared at me, for he had never heard be gasp for air. I was shaky, dizzy, lost within my own grief that my beloved aunt, my twin, had passed away.She had been in the ICU since her open heart surgery and after a brief improvement in her health the dreaded wolf took her. 

I had dreamt of this happening a few days before her operation, but disregarded my thoughts as me just worrying and being a pesimist. But the same image haunted me as the days went by. I saw my cousin crying her heart out saying " my mother has died." However, the day of the operation, I nervously had my phone next to me hoping that i would not recieve the dreaded phone call. 

After 7 hours of waiting my mother finally called. She sounded happy, and I instantly knew all was alright. I spoke to my uncle and he also sounded aliviated. So I told myself there was nothing to worry about and felt happy. Nevertheless, my concerns were still there. I kept on hearing my cousin in my head saying those words over and over again, and with every passing day I would call home to hear that she was still in the ICU that she was having some bad moments but overall she was fine. I knew it was not the case. I did not bother my uncle I knew he had to spend as much time with my aunt.

On Monday, I found myself sleepless and calling my mother at midnight here in Germany, but only 6pm in Colombia. I told her how I had been having a horrible feeling and she told me the same. That night I emailed my uncle telling how much I wanted him and my aunt to know that I was with them, that I loved them and how I wanted everything to be alright. I said " I know everything will turn out alright", I lied. I knew no such thing. I only dreamed that my aunt would be take back home. I wanted so deeply to believe my cousing and my uncle would have her for many more years.

But the next day, after trying to convince myself that I needed to be happy, calm for my aunt. I received the phone call....and I am still lost