70 brings tears

This is not my first time that a 70th birthday brings me to the depths of despair and makes a simple celebration that ultimate battle between my husband and his demons. During my first pregnancy his father turned 70. I was leaving my second trimester and beginning to feel the symptoms of preeclampsia. I was dizzy to the point that it was hard for me to walk straight. My legs were giant water retainers and the idea of joining his family to a trip to Las Vegas was not an option. I had a bad feeling about flying, not uncommon to me since I have a severe phobia of flying. The mere idea of being enclosed for hours and having to suffer the uncertainty of if this metal aircraft will remain in the air brings me to the verge of a mental breakdown. There have even been some occasions where I have had a panic attack. My throat feels constricted, my limbs begin to feel numb and the only way I can control the attack is if I walk and breath in deeply fresh air.

After my last doctor's appointment before the trip, she informed me that it would be best if I had bed-rest because of the dizziness. My Husband still had to decide if he was going or not. He decided not to and I was relieved that he had chosen me over his very tight nit family. Of course many of his family members did not agree with him. I could have stayed by myself. I was only 28 weeks pregnant. So when they returned from the trip we went to spend Christmas with them and the anger was felt and especially directed at me.

Now, two years later I find myself in another situation. Now it is his mother's 70th birthday. Her wish is to have all her children in Florida with her. I understand that wish. This time I am 32 weeks pregnant and luckily I have so far not had the dizziness or the giant water retaining legs. However, we are moving next week into our new house, which is still not done. It is still a construction site. And yet again My husband is feeling the pressure from his family to come to the birthday. Only one family member has said they understand if he cannot come. All the others are expecting him to come. And it is as if this birthday is the deciding point of the future relationship with the family. He goes and all is well. He stays and I become the evil wife that made my husband end his relationship with his family. 

It is all too much for me. I have cried to many tears over this birthday. I feel alone, so terribly alone. And if he does go the loneliness will consume me. So I sat outside on our balcony and wondered if I should face my fears and tell him to go, make it easier on him and just deal with my emotions myself. Or if I should allow my fears their space and remind him why I do not want him to go, but understand why he feels he should.

I felt hopeless this morning, after he told me he felt like he should go and if he went it would only be for 4 days. But then I say the Ikat. And I decided to make my hope remain intact.