The meaning of things

As my mother in law's birthday approaches the idea of a gift (a significant gift) keeps on glooming over me. Is there real meaning of turning 70? I do not ask this in a mean way, but is just living without getting killed a real accomplishment? Or, what I think to be true, is the meaning within how one lives their life, even if it is to 13. She was a young child during the end of World War 2. She married young and had five children spread out throughout her 20's and 30's. She  has always worked hard as a housewife, and for a while as the fabric manager of their furniture company that went under. She has been a caring grandmother who whenever asked takes care of her grandchildren when her children are busy working. She is an admirable woman. She deserves to be honored and with that to receive a gift that shows her how mush she means.

I have been going back and forth with the idea of sending her something that I have made. However, there are many questions that have risen with this idea. Will she appreciate what I give her? Do I give my things too much meaning? Will she think it is ridiculous? My upbringing has been a very artistic one. My mother is an artist, my grandmother sews, plays the piano and draws, her mother was an artist, and so on. And on my grandfather's side, even though they were more mathematical they have always found the beauty and wonder in art, like my husband. My husband however, seems to be a unique member of his family. They do not understand or appreciate art. They might see something that appeals to them but they only look at it superficially. Therefore, if I were to send her a sun for example, she would only see a small sun on a piece of fabric. I see a message of importance, life, everlasting, energy, the center, and also the desire to send her more sun, more light, more enjoyment for many years. Would she get that? Would she want to?

On another note, I have been going through my unfinished cloths, unfinished for a reason (I did not really like them) and have pulled bits a pieces out of them.

And so now I am playing with an elephant. I have been playing around with the idea of making a large cloth with the theme of sun moon and stars. This is an elph star, and I think it needs more color in addition to an eye and other things. But this is what I have in front of me this morning.

Black hole, black sun...

I have enjoyed the flap concept for a while. I first time being when I created the frozen beast in time. His gigantic eye came from flaps. Ever since Sun Moon Star started I have had the image of the sun with black rays. Maybe I will add the wonky face to this sun as I drew in my journal.

I was also very eager to try out the bleach that we were able to find while down in the Black forest. And it actually does bleach. I just played around with an old brush and dabbed around to see what secrets laid behind the color. I really like the result the red gave.

So far it is small, measuring 13 cm by 15. We shall see what I end up doing with this.

round and round...

This weekend we all went down to the black forest to celebrate the union of two dear friends. It was a lovely wedding, or at least the parts that I was able to enjoy (it is difficult to maintain a 2 year old sitting still for more than 10 minutes.) The reception was held up in the hills of the forest and the view was breathtaking.

We enjoyed the live music, delicious food, and good company and finally after a long night I, the pregnant designated driver drove though the dark forest with only the stars and my headlights to guide us home. Now that I am away from the forest I can enjoy the quietness and tranquility of this very living thing. I realized how alive it is while we were enjoying the fireworks. With each outburst the forest would respond with a loud roar. It was magical.

the little monster at 2 am....

hope, faith, wish, and aspiration

70 brings tears

This is not my first time that a 70th birthday brings me to the depths of despair and makes a simple celebration that ultimate battle between my husband and his demons. During my first pregnancy his father turned 70. I was leaving my second trimester and beginning to feel the symptoms of preeclampsia. I was dizzy to the point that it was hard for me to walk straight. My legs were giant water retainers and the idea of joining his family to a trip to Las Vegas was not an option. I had a bad feeling about flying, not uncommon to me since I have a severe phobia of flying. The mere idea of being enclosed for hours and having to suffer the uncertainty of if this metal aircraft will remain in the air brings me to the verge of a mental breakdown. There have even been some occasions where I have had a panic attack. My throat feels constricted, my limbs begin to feel numb and the only way I can control the attack is if I walk and breath in deeply fresh air.

After my last doctor's appointment before the trip, she informed me that it would be best if I had bed-rest because of the dizziness. My Husband still had to decide if he was going or not. He decided not to and I was relieved that he had chosen me over his very tight nit family. Of course many of his family members did not agree with him. I could have stayed by myself. I was only 28 weeks pregnant. So when they returned from the trip we went to spend Christmas with them and the anger was felt and especially directed at me.

Now, two years later I find myself in another situation. Now it is his mother's 70th birthday. Her wish is to have all her children in Florida with her. I understand that wish. This time I am 32 weeks pregnant and luckily I have so far not had the dizziness or the giant water retaining legs. However, we are moving next week into our new house, which is still not done. It is still a construction site. And yet again My husband is feeling the pressure from his family to come to the birthday. Only one family member has said they understand if he cannot come. All the others are expecting him to come. And it is as if this birthday is the deciding point of the future relationship with the family. He goes and all is well. He stays and I become the evil wife that made my husband end his relationship with his family. 

It is all too much for me. I have cried to many tears over this birthday. I feel alone, so terribly alone. And if he does go the loneliness will consume me. So I sat outside on our balcony and wondered if I should face my fears and tell him to go, make it easier on him and just deal with my emotions myself. Or if I should allow my fears their space and remind him why I do not want him to go, but understand why he feels he should.

I felt hopeless this morning, after he told me he felt like he should go and if he went it would only be for 4 days. But then I say the Ikat. And I decided to make my hope remain intact.

Another journal page today regarding the moon. I have not felt motivated to start on the calender, maybe it will turn out to be one of those ideas that remain ideas for a while. However, this one with the moon and the waves is making me want to sit down and sew. However, I have found some difficulty finding cleaning supplies with bleach here in my neck of the woods, because my idea is to have the waves discharged onto the fabric.

Some thing that I have realized is that I have entered a wonky phase of drawing. I have gone from realist point of view to a cartoon point of view to a wonky odd point of view, and I am truly enjoying this phase. I even find them interestingly beautiful.

What do you think?

Running through the sky

I have recently joined my fellow cloth makers on another journey with Jude, this time up in the sky. To tell you the truth that is where I normally am, among the stars and the galaxies, marveling at the history, and spinning dreams and worlds that only exist in my head. So it is very entertaining to go back up there even more so to look at the symbols and shapes that humanity has always adored and wondered about. I have already caught up with the other whisperers and my mind is full of questions. Some were Jude induced, others were already there, but finally landed on paper yesterday.

I know most of you, if there are any who still come here, are tired of me talking about being depressed and how life is sucky and what not. I know, but this time its a bit different. I have come to the revelation that in order for me to be happy and thriving and enjoying life I need to feel inspired. I need to create. I need, as we all do, a purpose. It seems odd that my purpose is to create things that maybe will never go anywhere except my own walls. Why is that? Why is that my purpose?

But back to my questions and what if's regarding the sky.

As I was watching an episode of Lost the concept of memories came about and it was said that the purpose for memories is so that one can recall the person that has left and enjoy their presence until they see them again. Sounds like a good explanation to me. But it made me wonder, what is the purpose of memories? Especially when they can be altered by perception, age, emotions, time, etc. When I began to gather ideas, or associations to the words of Sun, moon, and star (I recall fondly doing the same thing in my advanced English linguistics class....I miss college) I associated stars with memories since the night sky that we see is actually in the past because light from those stars take so long to reach us, by the time they have reached us some of them are burnt out, and only a memory on the night's surface.

As I thought about stars and their life cycles, while staring at Jude's quartered sun I wondered what would happen if I added more segments to a quartered sun? Would it look like an expanding star about to explode? I could stop time and look upon a bloated being before it disappears. I could examine that last moment of life before it vanishes and you are left with emptiness.