One of those days

Yesterday was a bad day. My leg was hurting. Basti hadn´t slept well. He refused to take a nap. He was cranky and testing his limits all day long. My patience were very thin, almost none existent. My desire for sewing was infinite. It was one of those days that I had no hope and only despair. I felt alone, and that my whole life was going to be driven by screams and no time for myself. And the other major fact was that my husband had not been home for more than an hour in three days. And I knew that he would be away at our new house working till Sunday. So my despair grew. It was a little voice during breakfast. By lunch it had grown 12 inches, and by the time my husband was here to say hello and the landlord was showing the apartment to a not so friendly vibe person I the voice was 4 feet tall. I broke down after basti threw my laptop onto the floor with a smile and a giggle.  I ran to my room and cried.

A while ago, pretty much when I created this blog, I had come to the realization that I am the type of person that NEEDS to create. I need to sew or draw or sing or write. I need that for my sanity, because when I go without creating I am angry, short tempered, a mess. And while I was taking care of mz then infant son I had no time to create, and no materials. We had just moved to Germany and I had left behind all of my art supplies. I truly felt like ife was not worth all the hassle and stress....Maybe there is something wrong with my brain, but apparently creating is my medication.

I remember in college, after being told my a Chinese phD student teaching compostion that "You no good at writing. Find nother career." I was devastated. I couldn´t write a single creative sentence. I was blocked, and depressed. But luckily I finally forced myself to take a writing class, a therapeutic writing class, and felt like myself again....

So I guess I when it comes down to it. It has been difficult for me lately because of my physical limitations. Going up nad down stairs is a job, getting up from my seat is a job, going out and walking is a job. Pregnancy is a very very difficult time for me. But I guess the solution is to take it one day at a time and hope that my son will understand why I cannot take him to the park.

Sorry for the rambling.