Fragmented sun

The weather has always affected my state of mind. And with so much gloom, rain, and darkness this summer in addition with the pains and heaviness and sure things falling through I have been subjected to a feeling of fragmentation. Today I do not feel whole, complete, but instead separated from so much of myself. As if the glue that keeps me together has been washed away by all this rain. 

It has been an odd summer. Only a few days of warmth. Lately every night as we sleep with some fresh air I feel cool and chilled. I wake up to the fog in the palatine forest and a sense that summer just decided to never come here. I prefer cooler weather, but I still need a bit of warmth. I need to store it for the long hard winters that I have experienced here so far. 

But back to the sun. I have been holding on to the small boro-ish discharged magic sun. I never had the right place for it. And as I was preparing circles for the larger cloth that I want to make during The Magic Diaries, I decided I should make a place for this sun, even if it were to be left alone. So now it is the lenght of my forearm and awaiting to be embroidered. Maybe a face? 

The number of us

As the Magic Diaries progresses I continue to think about my mandala cloth. It is a ritual, a rite of passage, something that brings about meditation, awareness, connectedness, strength, and I was contemplating what should be in the middle of this cloth. It must be somehting of importance, a starting point and even a returning point. And so I began to think what happens in the beginning. Numbers...We are all just numbers before we are anything else to the world.

As I have seen while being pregnant, a human is all numbers the size of our head, our weight, the amount of time we have existed in utero. And at the moment of our birth number continue to be of significance; the time of birth, the weight, the height, apgar score. And then slowly we become ourselves, independent of numbers, but still reliant on them, still we identify with them. Our birthday tells us what sign we are and what personality traits we have. Our age tells us how much we have experiences, what we should know, what we shouldn't know, how much time we have lived and how much time we might have left. So I ask, are we all just numbers? Our whole being can me measured and quatified. However, there is another side of us that cannot, our imagination, creativity, feelings, perceptions, dreams, and so on.

This is what I want to place in the middle of it all. The division between our physical and impossed awareness versus the metaphysical and unimposed awareness of ourselves.

the elephants are coming.

I have set the mothering piece aside for now, and have been thinking about a bigger piece, especially since The Magic Diaries has started. I have therefore returned to my elephants. I am playing around with magical elements and still remaining with the idea of drawing and filling in with thread.

I realized that a piece can only come alive not only by placing pieces of cloth in a certain manner, but You have to also add more of a personal feel to it. It may seem like a silly realization, but it just dawned on me.

Right now it is raining outside and the breeze is comfortingly cool. It has been an odd summer. There have only been a few days of horrible heat that actually made me sick. I wonder why the heat as refused to set in here. Is it so that we do not get accustomed to it? Am I in for another long winter?? I hope not.

Weather is a funny thing. It affects your mood, the crops, the birds, life in general.

I apologize for the pictures. I still only have my camera phone. But it shall do for now.

life is beautiful...

I have been steadily working on the mothering. Today the sun is shinning, the breeze is cool and things are looking up. 

Mothering flourishing

I have began to add color to her. A few feathers full of color. Her bosom full of nourishing fluid. Her mind swirling. And the center beings to glow and it comes close to completion. 

Mothering, birthing, creating an existence.

Apparently this child in formation is trying to teach me how to relax and not let the stress affect me. At first it was with the normal pregnancy lows of nausea. However, this mother did not listen. Then came toe groin pains and inability to walk without discomfort. But still this stubborn mother did not listen. Then came the back spasms and contractions and finally the mother began to listen, but already her body was headed to a downward spiral. The final lesson were the daily migrains, the cold from hell, and the severe contractions that finally sent this mother to bed to listen and reflect on how she was living life. 

The answer was, too much stress, too many worries, too little help. And as this mother remained in bed an image of a female mothering an birthing a whole new existence came to mind. She still had the ability to move freely with her winged arms. However the weight of mothering a whole new world, an whole new universe, a whole new beginning weighed her down. But she takes this with grace and with pacience. She contemplates in silence and the center of all grows within her. She is calm, quiet, at peace. She knows that it is her role and her place to wait.

However, while her body is quiet, her mind swirls with the future to come. She weaves outcomes and adventures for the existence that will soon begin.

She lives within this universe.